The table can be such a warm and welcoming place, but then again at other times it can be lonely, empty and sad.
Right now I feel like I do when I’m sitting in a coffee shop all alone or at a resturant surrounder by gropus of people. That lonliness, the fear, the isolation. I know that I’m not truly alone, but I feel alone, and my loneliness even makes me think: “Why would anyone want to read/hear my comments or thoughts, the ugliness of who I am should cause them to run.” I know that I’m not ugly on the outside but inside its not the same. The uggliness of my last 24 years of life are there. The hurt, the struggles, the loneliness, the fears, the insecurities, everything. Its hard to even look at myself.
Its hard right now as the friends i do have I have meaningful converstaions with but its here and there and rarely seems to be any connection outside those moments. And when the evil gets to me it makes me wonder why I even bother seeking others out and attempting to speak insight and wisdom to them as all the evil in me allows me to see is the sin, the struggles, the things in my life that don’t please God.
I feel like I’m at a table in a coffee shop longing for a friend to come in and desire to speak to me and discuss my passions, my thoughts, my feelings. But no one comes. the time comes and goes. The coffee shop closes and I walk out alone. There are people around me who want to conduct business, but who is there that truly wants to get beyond a book, and dig into the meat that is the existence of me…. Who? Where? How?
I know that there are some out there who will ready this, that know me. They will wonder if I have forgotten about them and the role they play in my life. No I haven’t but I can’t get past my feelings and that right now. I’m a work, I’m a pot that is broken…. I can’t find the pieces…. I know that God is by my side but I guess I just haven’t figured out how to puruse that further, how to find the wholeness, the companion in the chair at the coffee shop.
To do: realize that God is my fulfillment, my companion sitting in that coffee shop. There He is, sometimes he’s silent, but he’s always there, waiting for me……… You may not be able to see him but He is there. I know it, but i just need to realize that He’s there waiting for me…… I need to be there for our appointment……